A New Life

I guess since I have the counter up it is time to fess up.  I am now officially on a strict life change.  No more dieting.  I think if I never started dieting I would not be where I am today.  Every time I diet I lose then gain back more then I lost. 

Okay I also blame my youngest son.  Four months of bed rest and 60 + pounds equals bouncing baby boy.  So first came the baby then the dieting.  He is now 17 so it is harder to justify still needing to lose the baby fat.  Especially since I weigh more now then I did at 9 months pregnant with him.

Another thing I have to take in consideration is thyroid cancer.  In about a week it will be 6 years since I had surgery to remove my thyroid.  I found out just the month before that the growth in my neck was a tumor and indeed cancer.  The scary thing was the doctor told me I had the cancer probably 5-7 years without knowing.  The only reason we found out was the tumor was metastasizing. I was lucky as thyroid cancer is supposed to be the best cancer to have.  

I happen to not agree.  Thyroid cancer sucks and living without one is even worse. I blamed all my symptoms on motherhood. I mean I had 3 kids in 5 years. I had a full time job which was more like a job and a half with all the over time I did. The 3 kids, husband, job and dog was a lot to take care of. I was tired all the time, scatterbrained where I left messages on my own answering machine to remind me what I needed to do plus a large calendar posted on kitchen wall. So many other warning signs I never put together. However since surgery I have felt awful. My skin is dry, hair falls out in clumps (no clue why I am not bald), heavy periods that last 8-9 days and were only 25-26 days apart, tired all the time, I don't sleep without drugs. Headaches and migraines, and severe depression.

All came to a head last year when I had a mental breakdown. I could not understand why I should go on. I felt so bad all the time with no end in sight. I even contemplated suicide. But of course 3 kids made me think of help first. The last year has been the hardest of my life. That is saying a lot if you knew me and my childhood. I started seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. Medication was always being changed and adjusted. I would start to feel slightly better just to fall down again. I have Agoraphobia and do not leave my house unless I have a doctor appointment or something that was planned ahead so I could prepare myself.

Now I am under other stress of bills because of no job, a husband who does not really understand and is working extra to make up for me, and a fear of disappointing my kids. Only one lives at home now and he is soon to move out. I was always the mom who did not mind friends being over all the time. I always talked with them and if they were new I got to know them. This last year I hide away in my room. I barely want to meet them. I come out of my room and say hi but that is it. I do not even go outside to get the mail or anything. I have not see any of my friends for a long time. I email, call, and text but I never want to meet up. I just spend all my time reading alone in my room. My house is a mess. Not really dirty just cluttered and unkempt. I do basics of wash, dishes, sweep, and vacuum but that is it. 

SO I AM GOING TO MAKE A CHANGE!!!!

I AM going to stop taking my depression and anxiety meds. I AM going to do some natural meds. I AM going to start leaving my room and eventually take up seeing my friends again. I AM going to start exercising and eating healthier. I AM going to start living my life again. I AM going to see a doctor who specializes in thyroid problems not just cancer. I AM going to take pride in my home, family, and friends again. 

I AM TIRED OF LIVING THIS WAY or rather I guess tired of not living.

My 12 step program:

This week is step 1 quit drinking Mt. Dew.  This is a big step as Mt Dew is my lifeline.  I have been addicted to it since I was 12. It is my form of coffee. I don't drink the diet it is always regular. I started a couple weeks ago drinking more water. At least 2 liters a day. I used to only drink it to take my meds. I drink at least a two liter of Mt Dew a day. I started cutting back when I started the water. Monday I had 2 cans, Tuesday 2 cans, Wednesday 1 can, Thursday 1 can and today none. Am I tempted to get on the scale and see if there has been a loss yet? Yes but I will not until Sunday. I am going to do this right. No expecting rapid loss and getting disappointed when it does not happen. I will remember this is my life not a diet.